jaggedsoul

Just put up some new shit.

Hasn't shown up in my gallery yet, and I had a helluva time puttin it up too.  Kept gettin the maintenance crap.

Hopefully they'll show up soon.

LIFE
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Wow.  Just keeps coming.  Not that its a bad thing at all.  I'm actually enjoying the chaos at the moment.  

I'm in school again.  LSU.  I kinda forgot how it was.  Overwhelming.  

Anywho......thought it was time for an update.  My page needed a change.  

So BOOM!  There it is!

Peace<----and I mean it!

So its that time of year again.  October.  And I'm so ready to let go its not even funny.  I'm tired of hurting.  Its been four years and its so damn exhausting.  I want to let you go.  I still miss you so much, and I'll still think of you daily, I promise.  But I don't want to feel this much pain anymore.  I want you to know something, and this is very hard for me to say to you.  I could never tell you while you were alive, I was too scared of losing you.  I thought I may scare you away.  But I've lost  you now anyways, and you need to know this.  I loved you.  Not as a friend should have, I loved you so much more than that.  I wanted to feel your skin against mine in a passionate way.  I wanted to be able to stare into your eyes and tell you how much you meant to me.  What my world would be like without you in it.  I wanted to touch your face, to kiss your lips.  I wish so bad I could have held you when we slept together.

I wanted you to know that so bad.  I'm done with being mad at you for what you did.  I know I will never be able to understand it.  It was one of those things that takes a split second to do, but a lifetime to undo.  I will never forget you.  I will always cherish the memories of our friendship.  There's so much more that I wish we could have experienced together.  We never got to see each other's kids.

So here's the deal.  This weekend is your four year anniversary of your death.  Its the first year I won't be able to be distracted by work because its on a Saturday.  We accidentally planned a hiking trip on that day.  I don't know how it happened, and I think I cried when I realized it.  Mostly because you would absolutely love this place we're going to.  I can see your hair blowing in the wind by the waterfalls, and I haven't even been there yet.  Anyways, getting off track.  So I'm ready to let go.  I'm a very visual person.  I think it may help me to physically let go of the idea of you.  I want to bring yellow rose petal or sunflowers (cause those were your favorite) and let them go into the waterfall.  We shared a love for waterfalls.  I remember talking about wanting to get cremated and have our ashes spread over waterfalls.  I don't really know what they did with your ashes.  I'm shamed to say I didn't keep in touch with your family.  I think it was too hard for all of us to speak to each other.  I'm sorry for that, I know you would have wanted us to keep in touch.

I'm hoping this weekend is the turning point of my healing process.  I think what's really gonna do it is this is going to be the first year I have handled it sober.  Every year around this time I drown myself in drugs and alcohol.  Not this year.  I started to.  I started drinking like a fish again, all of a sudden.  I would get drunk and go home alone.  One night I was getting ready to go out and I thought of you.  I had just got out of the shower.  I was still naked and wet and suddenly my heart felt like it had been crushed.  I fell to the floor and couldn't stop crying.  I layed there for so long crying out to no one.  I got pissy drunk that night.  It wasn't that long ago.  You would have been ashamed.  Its not healthy for me to hide from my feelings with alcohol anymore.  I'm going to face them this year.  And maybe without my depressants (alcohol and drugs) I'll be able to finally complete my healing process and be at peace once again.

I have no idea why I wrote this blog as if you were there.  I know you're not.  I know you can't read this and don't know what I'm thinking right now.  But i do feel better.  


(^This was a blog I had posted on Myspace a little while back this month.  I had kept it private where only a few people could see it, I'm ready to share it now.)

(And this is the bulletin following a few days after)
We went hiking today at Clark Creek, Mississippi. It was amazingly beautiful. For a part of the hike I took off my shoes to feel the earth under my feet and between my toes. There was clay by the creek that was very soft, it brought everything in nature together. I don't quite know exactly how to explain it. You can be standing in the middle of a forest, but still not be "in" nature. Actually feeling what I was seeing made me feel like I was a part of nature. So in touch. Wow, I had a corny moment, excuse that! But seriously, it was awesome. Definitely rocked! BUT.....now my feet are cracked ten times worse than before (and that's pretty bad!) Oh well, worth it.

On another note, i have reached a turning point in my life. Once again. October 13 has come and gone. I still have not been to sleep yet, but it is over. And it was an absolutely beautiful day. I'm glad to say I have FINALLY let go after four long, exhausting years. I still love her and miss her, I always will. But she's gone, and I've let that go. The feeling from this new "release" is so hard to explain and too complicated for words. I'm so much lighter. I feel free. Like I've been in a tight cage for four years, set in fog, and I've finally been released from my cage and the fog has cleared. I'm so relieved. I can think so much clearer, my emotions are going crazy. I feel so much love, and I'm not scared of it. I'm opened up now, and it feels great. I'm also so much more in touch with my creative side. This didn't happen in just one day, I've been building up to this day for a while now. Since September. So its not like its just for tonight I've decided this and tomorrow back to the same ole crying game.  I'm finally free.



Jen